Screw You!

Porter: Welcome to Screw You!, where retribution is final. I'm Paul Porter. Amy Winslow found out what happens to people who report false emergencies when her home caught on fire and she dialed 911 for help. The drama of her ordeal was caught on this recording: Voice of Winslow: FIRE! Voice of Dispatcher: Oh yeah? Screw you! (Applause.) Porter: Everyone knew Eddy Parker was an insurance cheat. People were finding it impossible to tolerate his fake limp until a thoughtful hit-and-run driver finally took justice into his own hands. We were on the scene stalking him at the time to bring you this priceless footage. (Cut to video clip. An intersection. A man with an exaggerated hobble crosses slowly on a green light and is struck by a speeding unmarked car. He is tossed high in the air and crashes on his back on the sidewalk. As he rolls over in pain, pedestrians walk by him saying, 'Screw you!'. Applause.) Porter: When Major General Alexander West was told to evacuate his base on the island republic of Banana Grove after a military coup, he answered the new regime with the words 'screw you'. (Cheers.) Here he is by satellite and general, now that the enemy has you surrounded and has pledged to wipe you from the face of the Earth, do you regret your stand? West: (Bombs and shells landing in the background) I think it's an exaggeration to say that they will wipe us from the face of the Earth. It's more likely that they will push us into the sea. Porter: And what strategy will you use to face this threat? West: There's no question. We must conduct a full-scale evacuation. Porter: That's a great idea, general, but you said you didn't want to leave and now it's too late. West: Too late? What do you mean? Porter: Our ships can't reach you in time. Have you any last words to share before your inevitable collapse? West: Screw you! (Cheers.) Porter: Well said, general! We'll see that they include it in your epitaph. That's all the time we have today. To you at home, good night and may you all screw them before they screw you.
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© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.