Captains Outrageous

The captain's assignment was top secret. He stayed under constant surveillance through the training program and would not know his destination until he was safely aboard a spaceship, hurtling away from the Earth at near light speed. The news wouldn't reach him until he approached the maximum range for ground transmissions. He believed he already knew what he had been chosen for and why. He figured that his mission was kept secret to assure public calm through a period in which the fate of the world hung on a precipice. Apparently he had been hand picked on the basis of his gift for model airplane construction and his unbeatable high score in Asteroids from 1983. His destination must be a life bearing planet to be claimed for his country and named after himself by wiping out every living thing on it if necessary. Only the details were a mystery to him. The captain still did not know his precise destination nor how he would return home once his ship lost contact. These concerns were foremost on his mind as he pushed a button on his armrest console to tilt his chair back for the long awaited message. By contrast the figure coming into focus on the screen stood upright. It was his supervisor, the doctor. Now he would know everything. The doctor's voice began in ingratiating tones, "Greetings from Mother Earth. Your friends and loved ones greet you. Your leaders praise you and your peers salute you. Your mother kisses you and your priest blesses you. Your team plays for you and their cheerleaders cheer for you. The 4-H Club have knit their warmest thoughts of you into a quilt, and they wish they could give it to you." "Standing by to receive co-ordinates of the enemy planet." "Enemy planet? Are you joking?" "Then where are we going?" "Your ship is on course and time is unessential to your mission." "Unessential to you because you're not stuck in space." "That's not true. We are all stuck in space. Why, Gaia herself is just a spaceship following the Sun to God knows where. But you should be happy. You have air conditioning. There are many here on Spaceship Earth who would envy you." "You have sunsets." "If all you need are coloured lights, why don't you get started with your Christmas decorations?" "You've still not answered my question." "Your ship is on course-" "On course for WHERE?" "Why do you care about that? Has your life changed in any noticeable way? You can watch any program you like on your giant screen. You have a host of digital gaming options, plus a dart board. Have we not considered your every need? We've even provided you with women. To deprive you of them for such a long voyage would be inhumane. Incidentally, where is your pretty first mate?" "In the brig for trying to poison me. What do you mean, 'such a long voyage'?" "Well, I'm sure you'll sort out these little misunderstandings and learn to trust each other. There are a lot of single men back here who wish they had your problems." "Doctor, perhaps I'm not getting through to you. When may I again feel the gentle kiss of a warm summer rain?" "Stand under a shower head with the water mixed to a luke warm temperature." "It's not the same." "It's better." "And I'm missing out on history." "You're not missing anything, trust me. We were even thinking of starting another war just for something to do. Now, don't you feel lucky? Instead of being shot or taken prisoner, you're far away from it all." "Doctor, why are you trying to make me feel good about being out here instead of answering my question?" "Be proud, Captain. You are the future of humanity, stretching out into space and taming the wild regions, the volcanic moons and the poisonous dust clouds and the black holes-" "Hold on, no one told me anything about black holes." "Relax. You couldn't reach the nearest black hole in your lifetime." "That's a relief." "It will be your ancestor's problem. Good luck and Godspeed." In a flash the doctor's image evaporated. The communication beam, vital tether to the home world, had stretched beyond its limit and snapped, stranding the captain and all hands in deep space for the expansion of civilization as we know it.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.