That's Amazing

NEXT BLOG: Nothing to Lose. Here's an idea for a science show called That's Amazing!. (January 18 2014: I think I may have borrowed this DVD and parodied it some time in the last few years. The Public Library should have a record of it if I did.) Good day and welcome to 'That's Amazing!', where we discuss exciting new scientific discoveries which are making life better and better for everyone in the monied - uh - developed world. Up first is something we're putting together right here at Google: the driverless car. This wondrous machine, equipped with sensor arrays, hyperstellar overdrive, and voice activated controls is guaranteed to make transportation safe and easy for everyone who doesn't suffer from a speech impediment. We must wait for the perfection of head-voice activated controls before we can make driving safe for everyone but schizophrenics. But at least now a man can pick up a girl hitch hiker and drive around the block as many times as he needs to without getting into an accident. The back seats convert into a water bed as an added bonus. Of course, auto insurance rates are not expected to decrease until the invention of the passengerless car. Isn't that amazing? Next we bring you a new anti-depressant. This pill will keep you smiling no matter what. Your boss can regularly tie you up and beat you senseless and you'll smile all the way through it. Someone can bust into your home and shoot you in the stomach and then rape your daughter right in front of you and you'll keep smiling. You can be drafted into the army and see all of your friends blown apart in front of your eyes and you won't lose that grin. That's amazing! Another brilliant new invention is the all-seeing eye. This state-of-the-art technology uses lazars and global positioning to make a digital record of every move you make over a set period of time. Look, there you are going to visit your mother. And there you are going to the bathroom! And there you are again with your wife! Wait, that's not your wife. Anyway, that's amazing! By using stem cells and genetic engineering to make this female tse-tse fly think it's a male, we hope to improve brain surgery. Don't bother trying to see the connection. It's over your heads. Unfortunately, the last generation of tse-tse flies is anticipated to die off before we can complete our work. A team of field researchers has been dispatched to the Island of Lesbos, where the last surviving swarm of this species is rumoured to have migrated. That's amazing! (Source: Stephen Hawking's Brave New World. Hope you don't mind, Professor. I generally only parody things I like. And it was flattering to see the phrase I coined in 2004, a force for good, in your introduction. That one really caught on. Back to my readers, I suspect that I have had the attention of Republican speech writers ever since I sent those letters to the editor of Maclean's magazine complaining about America's dangerously swollen military/industrial complex in 2000. Or was it Newsweek magazine in 2003? Anyway, I guess they lifted content from my popular 2004 writings for use in President George W Bush's re-election campaign. Maybe after I'm through with my music and writing I'll run for president.)
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© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.