Screw You!

Porter: Welcome to Screw You!, where retribution is final. I'm Paul Porter. Amy Winslow found out what happens to people who report false emergencies when her home caught on fire and she dialed 911 for help. The drama of her ordeal was caught on this recording: Voice of Winslow: FIRE! Voice of Dispatcher: Oh yeah? Screw you! (Applause.) Porter: Everyone knew Eddy Parker was an insurance cheat. People were finding it impossible to tolerate his fake limp until a thoughtful hit-and-run driver finally took justice into his own hands. We were on the scene stalking him at the time to bring you this priceless footage. (Cut to video clip. An intersection. A man with an exaggerated hobble crosses slowly on a green light and is struck by a speeding unmarked car. He is tossed high in the air and crashes on his back on the sidewalk. As he rolls over in pain, pedestrians walk by him saying, 'Screw you!'. Applause.) Porter: When Major General Alexander West was told to evacuate his base on the island republic of Banana Grove after a military coup, he answered the new regime with the words 'screw you'. (Cheers.) Here he is by satellite and general, now that the enemy has you surrounded and has pledged to wipe you from the face of the Earth, do you regret your stand? West: (Bombs and shells landing in the background) I think it's an exaggeration to say that they will wipe us from the face of the Earth. It's more likely that they will push us into the sea. Porter: And what strategy will you use to face this threat? West: There's no question. We must conduct a full-scale evacuation. Porter: That's a great idea, general, but you said you didn't want to leave and now it's too late. West: Too late? What do you mean? Porter: Our ships can't reach you in time. Have you any last words to share before your inevitable collapse? West: Screw you! (Cheers.) Porter: Well said, general! We'll see that they include it in your epitaph. That's all the time we have today. To you at home, good night and may you all screw them before they screw you.
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© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Mammals Like Us

It's time for another outdoor adventure on Mammals Like Us. Rusty Mongoose didn't look anything like his parents, but that could have come from them drinking the ground water when it was poisoned by the nuclear power plant. He was almost nine months old and still hadn't caught a snake. Instead he went after slower moving creatures like turtles and baby sloths. Rusty's father didn't love him. His mother was indifferent to him but wanted him to have a good education. She decided she would have to teach him how to hunt. Here they come out of their home made of old tires, heading directly for the swamp. Rusty's the clumsy little one in the back. And what's this? It looks like Cousin Wally Weasel wants to join them. And he brought a stick in his mouth. Sorry, Wally, this is a private expedition. It took them all morning to get down into snake country. Then Mama cleverly used Rusty as bait to draw out her sneaky prey. It didn't take long for a snake to crawl out of its hole and chase poor Rusty up a tree. But the snake wouldn't have time to gloat before Mama Mongoose was upon it. She seized it by the throat and bashed its head against a stone. Then she took its tail and fed it into its mouth until the reptile had consumed itself. The other snakes heard the cry for help and came slithering towards Rusty's mother from all sides. From his cowardly perch, Rusty could see that she was in trouble. Operating on instinct, he sprang down and took the snakes by surprise. With natural ferocity he bit off the head off their leader and mounted it on a stick. When he lowered it down to the field of vision of the attackers, they fled from the ghastly sight. So Rusty stopped chasing turtles and became a mongoose.
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© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Masked Coward

Voice: No one can face the tough customers like someone who hides behind a mask. (A children's birthday party. A smoker lights up in front of the children, causing the birthday boy to choke when he inhales to blow out his candles. The Masked Coward tiptoes up, hands the delinquent a note, and runs away. The piece of paper is unfolded and read.) Smoker: I read the note and I'm really sorry for chain smoking in front of the children. I won't do it again. Here, let me make up for it. (He picks up a spray can and saturates the air with artificial scent, sending everyone into a coughing fit.) Voice: He's the only one who dared to take on the ogler. (A schoolyard. At practice the cheerleaders go down on their fours to form a human pyramid. Behind them in the trees, peering greedily through binoculars lurks the ogler. An armored car pulls up on the chalk marked perimeter, releases a pack of aggressive hounds, and drives away. The dogs apprehend and subdue the ogler.) Voice: And someone has to stand up to those bullies. (A crowded train. A bully finishes terrorizing helpless victims and gets out at his stop. Just before the doors close and lock behind him, a passenger shouts 'Meanie!'. Trapped outside, the bully's outrage is confined to muffled shouts and hard kicks against the door and window as the train grinds forward to its next stop. One of the seated passengers slowly lowers a newspaper, exposing his mask.) Voice: His name is as mysterious as his face. We know him only as The Masked Coward.
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© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Closeup with Vivian Day

Day: It's time for Closeup, the news show that stands up for outcasts and weirdos. I'm Vivian Day. We're at the home of Cassandra Haunt to show that she is normal and that the accusations of her being a witch are pure nonsense. Cassandra, I see that you are fond of animals. Haunt: (Stroking a cat on her lap) Yes, I've set up a sanctuary here for lost pets. Day: How thoughtful of you to sacrifice your home. Haunt: My pets get much more attention here than they would in a crowded shelter. (The cat jumps down and its missing tail is noticed.) Day: Your cat has no tail. Haunt: I know. Aren't some people monstrous? (Day gets up to inspect a row of small cages.) Day: Looks like a lot of your pets have suffered amputations. That poor rabbit might be better off dead. And your newt appears to be lost. And what is that? Some kind of mouse? Haunt: (From her seat) It's a bat. Day: Dear God. What's this? A closet? (She slides open the door and screams at the sight of a steaming cauldron with the head of a small girl sticking out of it. The head screams back, bringing Haunt to the scene.) Girl: Auntie! The lady scared me! Haunt: Don't be frightened, sweetie. It's just Vivian Day from the TV. Now be careful not to burn yourself when you get out of the tub. (She slides the door shut.) I forgot my niece was here. She's very quiet. Day: I'm sorry for screaming. I feel so foolish. Haunt: There's no need for that. I can see how she startled you. I have to go to the shed for pet food. I'll be right back. (Exit Haunt. A visitor knocks on the door. Day answers and signs for a package. Once alone she eagerly opens it and shrieks when she finds a skull inside. Enter Haunt.) Haunt: Oh good, it finally came. I need that for my dentistry exam. Day: (Sheepishly) The box broke open. Haunt: (Taking the skull) No harm done. You don't look well. Are you all right? Day: If I could just lie on the sofa for a bit... Haunt: Certainly. I'll see what I can find for you in the medicine cabinet. Day: That would be nice. (She flops onto the sofa and closes her eyes. Haunt departs and returns in costume: gold tiara, face paint, flowing purple gown. In her hand is a pail.) Haunt: Just relax and let me take care of you. (She dips her hand in the pail and spreads a dark paste on Day's forehead.) Day: (Eyes closed) Mmm. That feels nice. Haunt: Doesn't it just make the skin come alive? Day: (Eyes closed) It sure does. What is it? Haunt: Baby's blood.
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© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

The Rise and Fall of the Regal Empire

In ancient times, the greatest disputes of the well armed Regal Empire were internal. By spreading out across the known world they were able to crush their neighbors in their civil war. The most famous was fought between the forces of Julius Circus and Pompus Ludicrus in Ephesia to the south, Thessalonica to the east-north-east, and north in the snowy Cardassian mountains, clearing all three regions for Regalian occupation. Chased off the continent, Ludicrus tried to escape with remnants of his legions to the Island of Crete, but Circus pursued him in ships full of soldiers and sailors who couldn't wait to get at each others throats. Once on land they easily overpowered the defenders and Ludicrus fled to Africa with his bodyguard. Circus chased him down the length of the Nile, through the thick jungle and the harsh desert, across Gibraltar and into Spain. Then Ludicrus offended his bodyguard who stabbed him and ran away. Circus returned home in triumph. His empire would last for centuries until his people would finally become extinct from self annihilation.
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© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

My Opinion with Mia Peek Freen

Good day and welcome to another faithful broadcast of My Opinion, where I, Mia Peek Freen, force the establishment to face the issues that matter. My guest today is Alvin Milne, the leader of the Sex Party which wants to abandon free elections and establish a rockocracy. And some say that we have that form of government already. How would you answer them? We may already have enough drugs and rock to form a partial rockocracy, but we're lagging hopelessly behind the Europeans in sex. But isn't the right to be uptight protected in a free society such as ours? Yes, and that is why we need a dictatorship to enact the radical laws needed to make orgies and mandatory mating the new norm. I see. Well, you can go ahead and legislate sex but it takes people to make it free and abundant. How will you see that your laws are obeyed? We've decided to focus on the young with a program of indoctrination, using the school system. Boys should learn at an early age that women don't know what they want and need a man to show them. And promiscuity among girls, rather than being discouraged, should be praised and rewarded. Nonetheless, some of the unusual sexual practices you advocate may repulse some sections of the public. Yes, in order to maximize overall sexual pleasure, slaves will be used for the unpopular roles. Slaves? Slavery is essential to the realization of our vision. Mister Milne, it took us centuries to abolish slavery and now you want to bring it back? I'm afraid I must protest your policy. Someone like yourself, for instance, could only have her own stable of young field hands under our proposed slavery legislation. On the other hand, your uncompromising solutions have been called the wave of the future. For My Opinion I'm Mia Peek Preen. Thank you for joining us.
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© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

Culture Watch

Welcome to Culture Watch where we examine the traditions that shape our world view. It's Springtime again which was a time of celebration for our pagan ancestors. Every May all the nubile maidens would gather outdoors and strip naked for a sprightly dance around a tall pole to symbolize nature's rebirth. Then they would get dressed and go home. The pole dance has survived right up to the present in most strip clubs, though it is now performed by individuals rather than a collective. And do you ever wish that you could pass your sins to an innocent creature so you could make yourself perfect by killing it? In ancient times when people felt guilty they gave themselves a new start by slaughtering a goat. Sometimes people would even be sacrificed if they won the lottery. Today, however, we have learned to just blame smokers for everything. They're already killing themselves with their life shortening habit. Shaking hands as a gesture of trust was originally expressed by rendering the hand incapable of holding a weapon, well, at least the hand used for the shake. The other was free to reach behind the back for a gun. The modern hand may hold invisible weapons like radioactive slivers or microscopic organisms, causing the handshake to lose more and more to the friendly wave as the greeting of choice for new acquaintances. We don't burn witches any more, thank goodness. That's one custom we can afford to leave in the past. The closest thing we have to them now is the political purge, which rounds up enemies of the government and kills them to stop them from making trouble. For instance, Julius Caesar would have survived if he would have got those assassins in the Senate before they got him. Given its usefulness in establishing peace and order, the political purge is likely to stay in practice for years to come.
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© 2007, 2014. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.